So you're going to be a father?

It has come to my attention that a few of my younger cousins (three to be exact) are soon to be blessed with babies. One of them already has a child and the other two will be brand new parents. First of all congratulations!!! Now I know none of you asked and if you are anything like me probably are tired of being hammered with parenting advice from others that are trying to "help". This is why I'm different, I am in no way offering "help", you are on your own, these are your children, and as hard as you try to convince yourself that you are up to the task, you aren't and soon will be asking a lot of people for help.

I am offering speculation and predictions. Even if I wanted to help I couldn't, I'm in my own war. You will be too, soon.

I recently heard a quote from one of the cousins through their mother to my mother, that his house is not going to be turned into "Romper Room". You are wrong, it will. What is comfortable to you no longer matters. Your house will become barricaded with devices made out of materials they use on the space shuttle, to protect your new born and also to frustrate you. You can no longer go to the cupboards and grab a snack. You will have installed 'locks' on all doors, compartments, drawers, and anything else that has a one in million chance of harming the baby. Now you have to use your cat burglar skills to crack the safe hiding the Doritos. What's that...you don't have cat burglar skills? You better start practicing. You will need to know how to crack safes, move silently and undetected, drive long distances in the middle of the night, and use hand signals to communicate with your wife as to not wake up the baby. (My wife usually only had to use one hand signal, yes, that one.) All electrical outlets will be covered with plastic caps that are impossible for a person over twenty to remove without breaking all your finger nails off, but are removed fairly simply by anyone under the age of four. You will also need to gate off every stairway, doorway, and fireplace so the place looks and feels like Waco, Texas. (no offense to the Texas cousins) Oh sure, it's fun to act like Renaldo Nehimiah a couple times and hurdle these things, but trust me, sooner or later you will fall flat on your face or pull a hammy. They also require the IQ of Einstein to open and close correctly, that's why I started hurdling them.

I know you think you have braced yourself for the fact that you will be changing a 'few' diapers. Wrong again. You will be changing 85% of the diapers and here's why. Your wife will be doing basically everything else, feeding, cuddling, putting down, getting up the baby. Not because it is her job, it is because mothers have these special baby powers that they are born with, and these enable them to do things you can't even comprehend. My kids would all still be sleeping in a crib and eating applesauce if my wife wasn't around. Ironic that I would mention applesauce and diapers at the same time huh? Don't know what I'm talking about? You will learn, see, and smell things that could end the war on terror when standing at the changing table. Also watermelon is considered a weapon of mass destruction, be careful with this one, there isn't a circus tent, let alone a diaper, that is built to handle to much watermelon.

Enjoy sitting down for dinner in the evenings? Nothing like a hot meal at the end of the day right? You will no longer be eating warm anything. You can also forget eating at the table with your family. At dinner, you will become the cook, gopher, and janitor. Don't get overwhelmed, all these jobs overlap and you will move smoothly from one to the next and not even know you are doing it.

Now for the most brutal realization that is waiting around the corner for you. Are you ready? You are no longer number one. As a matter of fact, you are now last on the depth chart. There is no 'you' time. You will be stealing glimpses of the fourth quarter on the TV as you pass by to take a bottle up to the baby. Babies don't like to fly fish, they don't like to gamble, they don't like your friends, and they don't like your TV shows. They hate golfing, fireworks, any loud noises, and they hate to sleep for a long time. I know that's a lot of info and it rattled me to the core, but the sooner you realize it and come to grips, the easier this transition will be for you.

Oh, I almost forgot, you need to start practicing for this right now. Go outside and break three or four glass bottles in the street, it's OK, everyone will know what you are doing. Now take off your socks and shoes and walk across the glass. I know it sounds bad but it hurts less and prepares you for all the Legos you will be stepping on in the middle of the night.

Once again, Congratulations!!