Lordy, Lordy, look who's FORTY!

That's right, I'm saying it out loud. I'm turning 40. It won't be so bad right? I have been ignoring this little fact for as long as possible, but I can no longer look away. I'm staring right down the gun barrel at ......middle age.

Not much will change I keep telling myself. I am lying, it all will change. It can't possibly happen to me. It's one of those things that happen to everyone else but not me. It can't. I'm not ready. I refuse. I can't pass the test. I know what the calendar says but it has to be a mistake, a huge mistake. I still like playing video games, it's to the point where I tell my kids they get to watch while I pile up the points on Star Wars Lego rated E for everyone. If I have a choice between Raisin Bran or Lucky Charms, I'll take Lucky Charms, come on, they are magically delicious, always have been always will be. Don't even think about Oatmeal, nothing has changed, it still sucks. I still think it is hilarious when I or someone else, anyone, farts. No I don't want a Latte, give me Pepsi. I still wake up on Christmas with a flutter in my stomach, it is Christmas for goodness sakes. Am I going to the caucus? NO, I have to find out who goes into the Inferno on MTV. I smile when I think about Skittles or Starburst candy. Pay the mortgage, maybe on Boardwalk or Park Place. I love my Ipod. I want to ride bikes not do my taxes.

Now I have to balance all this with the fact that I am slowly turning into my father, who always was at least forty as far as I was concerned. I drive by gas stations and shout out gas prices to no one in particular. I ask my kids things like, are you trying to heat the whole outdoors? I tried to dunk the basketball and I ended up stuffing myself on the front of the rim, landing awkwardly tweaking my back, and felt like I dislocated my shoulder, the rim was adjusted to 8 1/2 feet. My back hurts if I stand for more than an hour at a time. I can't eat a block of cheese with a box of Triscuits anymore or else, you know. (If you don't know ask your father or grandfather.) I went sledding with my boys and at one point I actually thought man, this is going to hurt, and it DID! I can't drink any liquids two hours before I go to bed if I want to sleep through the night. I watch the weather channel.

So I am trapped. I feel the oppressive weight of time hanging over my head, I am no longer young enough to out run it. So I am making a plan for my inevitable mid-life crisis. I can not afford a Ferrari or a time share in Aspen. So here is my plan, all I need is an Xbox 360 and a heavy bag. I can still play video games and they need to be in high def because I am not going to get glasses yet. The heavy bag is for punching and kicking when I can't figure out any of the controls to the new Xbox 360, and eventually have to ask my kids how to play. Also the recliner will be next to the heavy bag in case I get light headed and need to sit down. Still counts as a work out in my book, I know I'll at least be sweating a little bit. I will no longer attempt to dunk, (at least when anyone is watching). I will shoot jumpers and when I get frustrated, will turn to the heavy bag. See how this twisted circle of life works? As I grow older and more frustrated with the things I can no longer do, I will force myself into a work out that will prolong my life.

Take that Father Time. You haven't sunk your hooks in yet. Excuse me now, I have to go to the bathroom,,,,again.