HAMSTER HYSTERIA

This little beauty started about two months ago, right before school got out for the kids. My oldest son's best friend forever talked the boys and their mother into adopting two hamsters from their colony at home that was brimming with eighteen hamsters. I have already told you about the dog, and the failed cat attempt, (Kellen turned out to be allergic to felines and we gave her away to my niece), so I was not included in this decision. Everyone had to know my answer would be a resounding no, so they decided to skip that link in the chain of command.

It started out during school that the hamsters would stay in my wife's classroom during the week as a class pet and then be brought home on the weekends to by enjoyed by the entire family. I really didn't even notice they were here at that point so whatever, no big deal. The real kick in the crotch happens a couple days after they are home for the summer. Now my son's best friend forever has anointed himself Marlon Perkins of the hamster world as they have such a huge population and has guaranteed us that we are receiving two male hamsters. Yep, you guessed it, the reason they have eighteen hamsters is because no one can tell the difference between the boys and girls, all of a sudden we have eight hamsters. Thanks BFF. Now my wife jumps into the picture and tries to separate the sexes which means doubling up on all all hamster confinement and habitrails. So much for the 'free' hamsters, now I'm in for at least one hundred dollars. She also has unbelievable knowledge about hamsters as she has owned at least one, and one is the magic number, for years growing up.

She did an almost perfect job with genital separation and only missed one. Now we have sixteen hamsters as she accidentally slipped one of the 'son' hamsters in with the 'mom', and presto! I thought these were hamsters not jackrabbits, give me a freakin' break. More habitrails, more food, more exercise balls for all the hamsters to stay healthy and abstinent. Cha-ching!

I have to give my wife credit for the next step, I voted for leaving them all together when she told me that sometimes the parents ate the young, but was shouted down like I was the coldest person on the planet, what, it's natural selection. My wife embarked on a hamster give-away campaign that was second only to the peasants storming the Bastille. She talked to every kid under ten years old we knew, not their parents, the kids. We started to see the fruits of her efforts pay off, slowly the hamsters were disappearing one here, two there, to where we are now down to eight.

One of the families, that we brainwashed the kids into taking a hamster, went on vacation and as a bit of payback asked us to watch their hamster and parakeet. Touche' to you I say. I see your hamster and raise you a parakeet.

That brings us to today. Our neighbor girl that was in Kellen's class came over today to play with the boys and as usual was in and out of the house and upstairs and downstairs all day. I've learned to tune kids out to some degree, usually mine, so I didn't think anything of it. Now neighbor girl was disappointed that the older boys were wrapped up with the X-box and resorted to playing with my four year old. No big deal until it's bedtime, neighbor girl is long gone and a hamster head count is taken. There are three missing, and unfortunately she didn't steal them because my four year old said they had been playing with them earlier but couldn't catch them. WHAT?! We couldn't catch it he says, he can see the tidal wave coming and is already cooking up some stories to save his skin if it is possible. My wife tells him that he needs to tell us exactly where they saw them last in a tone that even made me shiver a little. I can see the tiny wheels turning, is she concerned about the hamsters being gone or is she going to be mad about where we were playing with them? He makes the right choice and informs us that they had one downstairs, (unfinished basement, catch all storage, toy room, disaster area) and it ran under the stairs. Of course it did, they don't run out to the middle of the floor, or hop up on the couch now do they.

The two big boys and myself wade into the abyss of the basement and start looking, they are calling the hamster's name like a dog, hoping the thing will suddenly appear. I start sorting through all the stuff under the stairs thinking that if we can find just one of the missing then we won't have to put my four year old on e-bay. The older boys are half-hearted looking around and chastising the four year old since he has no defense what so ever. They needle him enough to make him start to whimper, and as I pull my head out from the eighteen inch gap under the stairs I see that he has taken the time to tie a red scarf around his head pirate style and pick up a sword. Then I see a slight movement out of the corner of my eye in the dark corner. No Way. Yes Way. It is Mama Mia, one of the missing hamsters. As I reach for it i have a fleeting thought, are you sure that's a hamster? It is and all is good for five minutes.

We return upstairs to the other scene of the crime, put Mama Mia away and put my four year old under the interrogation lights again. Where did you see the other hamsters last? In Bailey's room he says in just a whisper. The hamster patrol descends on my oldest son's room and starts to turn it upside down. My wife lifts a chair and tells the boys to check underneath, and sure enough, there's another hamster. Hey, this is getting better than Easter eggs. No my youngest son mixes up his story and tells us the last one was lost downstairs also. Again we swoop downstairs like Tommy Lee Jones chasing Harrison Ford. It reminds me of the scene in the movie "The Fugitive". I see my son saying to my wife, right before he jumps out the window, "I didn't lose the hamster." My wife saying, "I don't care." I digress, we find everything but the hamster. The troops call off the search for the night and this sends my middle son into a frenzy worried that the hamster will die in the night. My older son retires to his room and...what was that...finally the third hamster has taken up residence in his miniature replica of the Eiffel Tower.

All is well that ends well, a few minor changes to the house rules that ban certain people from ever getting the hamsters out again it is over. I tell my wife, "I told you we didn't need hamsters." She says, "I don't care."