Shopping at Target

This Saturday we decided the family would take a trip together to the new super Target that recently opened up. This takes a huge leap of faith on my part as my wife has been known to lose herself at Target for more than six hours, the only thing I have done for six hours is watch football, my yin to her yang, so to speak. The boys will jump in the car as soon as they hear the word "Target" on the outside chance that this might be the trip that they wear my wife down with constant begging and walk out with new Lego's.

I, on the other hand, shutter at the thought as my wife can enter this shopping 'zone' where time ceases to exist, everything is just a blur on her periphery and anyone silly enough to be on this voyage with her is at her complete mercy, which she doesn't show a lot of.

Here's the part where I outsmart myself as usual. I know that I want to watch a huge college football match up on Saturday night, and that Sunday afternoon belongs to my beloved Broncos, so I had better make an effort to spend a little 'family' time on my terms before she decides I need to skip some pigskin and comes up with a family project, destination, or meal we need to do together during the football games. If I only had a crystal ball I would have gladly given up USC vs Ohio State to skip the Target run.

We make the fifteen minute drive over to the store without incident, but as soon as we hit the parking lot it starts. This is the first time I have been to this new shopping center so I casually cruise through the parking lot getting the layout, and in the process drive by a couple parking places, 'So I guess there is something wrong with all those spots, huh?', she asks me. 'No, I'm just looking for a spot that we won't need a freakin' can opener to help us get out of the car since the spots are so close together.' She's like a kid on Christmas, 'Just park already.' OK.

As we all exit the vehicle, we are treated to the sight of a runaway shopping cart pick up speed and ram into a parked car. The boys all laugh hysterically and want to see it again. My wife takes this one since she can see me smiling also and tells one of the boys to get the cart and return it to the cart rack. He wants to know why we can't keep it to shop with, and when told we could, he quickly changes his mind and parks it in the cart rack.

We enter the four hundred and eighty million square foot store and head straight to those three little bins that are supposed to have things for a dollar or less. There are twenty other people milling around the three racks, now my kids are darting in and out trying to be the first to discover the coolest thing there for under a dollar, then I notice that only about twenty-five percent of the bins have things for a dollar, everything else is more expensive, not much but some. Nice move Mr. Target, whoever you are, the old bait and switch ten steps inside the front door, and it works!

We are all overwhelmed by the sheer size of the store, except for my wife who already has a game plan, why don't you take them to get something to drink. Cool, I could use a Pepsi for this outing and the boys are giddy with the proposition of soda since it doesn't mix well with the three of them and is referred to as 'crazy' juice. I have no idea where the fountain drinks are but just follow the path of the Tasmanian devils apologizing to people and helping them pick up their things. We get to the counter and I am stunned to see that Mr. target also charges one dollar for a ten ounce cup. I dole out he $4.50 for the four of us and watch the wanna be alchemists start to mix their potions. It is a contest to see who can mix the most varieties in one cup regardless of the flavor. My youngest says ,'I want Hi-C and Sierra Mist' and I oblige him. The middle one does Dr. Pepper, Hi-C, Root Beer, and Gatorade, he is quite proud. My oldest brings his cup to me and says,'Look Dad, it's some of everything' and I point out that he doesn't have any ice to which he replies,'You get more pop without ice Dad' so he has that gimmick figured out already.

We decide to go to the electronics and look at video games and televisions, it's inborn for guys, we almost race back to that department. I lead the way and am checking out a few titles for the X-box when I notice my oldest son isn't with us. I ask the others where he is and they say he turned off at the Lego aisle. Well let's check out the DS games then we'll go get him and find Mom. We don't see anything that we can sneak past Mom as not being 'too violent' and decide to hit the Lego aisle. It has everything you can imagine...except my oldest son. Now as you probably know he is pretty big for his age and I doubt anyone could smuggle him out of the store but the angst rises with every minute that passes and I start to sweat a little bit. The three of us start to scour the store doing 'the dizzy move', you know the one, you walk fast and look left then right down each aisle as you go until you feel like you have just got off a ride at Elitches. You parents know what I'm saying. We end up spotting my wife who so far has put some Play-Doh and bird seed in the basket, I don't remember needing either of those but why fight it.

Immediately she asks where is the oldest and I have to say that we lost him, she gives me the look and sends me out on a solo search as I can cover more ground than Geronimo by myself. My saving grace is her eye catches a comforter that would be 'cute' on one of the boys' beds, and it's on clearance! I take off doing the dizzy move and before I throw up spot him at the check out counters looking at the candy. I gather him and head back to comforters. No one home, so we take off doing the dizzy move until we spot them by the greeting cards, didn't know we needed those either.

All present and accounted for so my wife suggests I take them to get something to eat. Why not, she even throws in some cash and I take the bait. We line up at the counter again and order our three pretzels and one order of bread sticks, he's always got to be different. I tell them to find us a spot to sit while I get the food. I walk into the dining area and notice one at the bench by the window, one in the corner at a table for two, and the youngest at a table for four in the center of the room. I pick the youngest as he has the capabilities of making the biggest mess. My oldest scarfs down the bread sticks and comes over to announce he has to go the bathroom, 'Then go', I say, and see that he has beaten me again and spilled his dipping sauce all over his table. We see his mother clear down the aisle and the oldest says he will catch up to her and takes off. The other two are chasing a fly around the dining area while I try to finish my pretzel. They both go running out laughing and ignore my yells to get back here. I take two minutes to finish up and throw away the debris, walk out and don't see them.

I figure they followed the oldest to catch their mother and do the same. Wrong, I show up without two of them and am sent back out to find them. Again I employ the dizzy move and get three quarters of the way around the store and see them at the dollar bins we started at, they are trying on animal masks that only cover your eyes and it looks like a junior Mardis Gras gone bad. Let's go I say, Mom wants you to look at costumes, and they are gone like the road runner. I manage to keep them in sight and they go straight to the Halloween display and it is our lucky day. They happen to have an Indiana Jones, a Boba-Fet from Star Wars, and a Clone Trooper from the Clone Wars, its perfect, and expensive. Mom heads off to the boys clothes dept. and we stay and battle with the plastic swords, cleavers, and machetes until the youngest takes a pitchfork (plastic) in the arm and we have to quit. We proceed to push all the buttons for the talking displays and try to get them all going at once, it's very entertaining. Next, to the claw candy dishes where you try to stick your hand in before the claw grabs you but this freaks the four year old out and we decide to out vote Mom, time to go home.

We catch up to her in the kids clothes and plead our case, she lingers on for a while, because she can, then grudgingly says OK. We head to the cashier and unload. She has a clever idea for her Bunco group and the final tally is just under three hundred dollars. I see even my wife is a bit shocked but grab the loaded cart and head out the door with the two youngest boys. I am trying to hurry but we have to wait for the seven old to try and hurdle the big red Target sculptures on the way out. We make it half way way across the parking lot and I hear my wife yelling at me to turn around and come back. Are you kidding? So I do. We head straight to the return line and unload about eighty bucks worth of the unnecessary stuff. Is this how everyone does it? The thrill of shopping and the agony of paying for it. Oh well, we head back out to the car and pile in.

I figure that little outing cleared me right through the play-offs, don't you agree?