Customer 'Support"

Let me first start with the problem, my XBox. It may seem like a childish pursuit but let me tell you what, it is responsible for many, many, MANY adventures for everyone in the house. Yes even my wife. Seems she has an inner Janis Joplin in her and as soon as we acquired 'Rockband' the whole gaming situation took a turn for the better. That's right, the whole dang family downstairs with the music cranked, one of the boys on bass, one on drums, I (of course) have to be guitar, and mom on the vocals hammering out any number of tunes from Bon Jovi to the Foo Fighters.

I realize this is not your traditional 'family' time but then again, who said we are traditional, I hope we never are. Sometimes we put the kids to bed, pick out a 5 song set list, and go all Led Zeppelin up in here, it's great. So you can imagine the sadness, disappointment, and general malaise that set in when we saw the three red flashing lights on the front of the Xbox. When have you ever known red flashing lights to be good? That's right, never.

I contact a few experts in the gaming field, (my Bill Gates-like brother-in-law, and my neighbor, best toys in the world) to find out what kind of trouble I was in. I got the same response from both, ohh, those are the three red lights of death, your system is dead. What?! No in between, no just wiggle the cord, no turn it off then on a couple times? Just dead? Can't be. It can and is, both of them have been through it and talk me off the ledge. I am told just log on with your user name and put in your serial number, you registered it didn't you? Screeeech, stop the music. Log on? User name? Register? Does anyone really do that? Well apparently you should. My heart feels like it is being squeezed by icy fingers, call and set it up? Deal with customer support? Something like this rarely goes smoothly for me. I hate it, everyone else just clicks the mouse a couple times and wallah, fixed, with me it's like sorry sir you bought yours on a Tuesday after eight but before noon so the standard warranty no longer applies, would you like to purchase a new one?

Now for me to take this monumental step of even picking up the phone I need some crazy motivation. Well here it comes, my wife hosts her Bunco group in a few weeks and the boys and me will be banished to the basement for roughly, ever. We have to have Orcs to slay, or Storm Troopers to cut in half, we can not survive in the basement without the force. So I pick up the phone.

Hello my name is Homer, how can I help you? Homer? Really? You've got to be kidding. Alright Homer here's the problem, my system is dead. Can I have the serial number? Sure 'Homer' its blah blah. HMMM, this system isn't registered. No kidding Sherlock, that would have meant I called you when I got the machine, no way. Well you need to give me some information. We will see about that, what do you need? Name, address, e-mail, phone. Fine. OK thank you Mr. Shepherd now if you just go on-line you can process your repair request. Silence. That's why I called you 'Homer'. You need to log on and blah blah blah. Are you sure, isn't that what the customer support number is for? Yes it is, but now you can process your request on-line if you just blah blah blah. I GET THAT, can't you just press a button or flip a switch and make this happen? Sir you need to log on to process... Goodbye 'Homer'.

I am lucky enough to have written down the site address and miraculously find it. Now all I need to do is log in. Great, I would but have no idea what my user name or id is. I do know my password as it is the same for everything, just like you are not supposed to do. I take a stab at it and use my gamer name and, wonders of wonders, I'm in. Now I'm getting into this, it's like a quest, I'm Indiana Jones looking for the holy Xbox. Please put in your serial number, I oblige and go figure the warranty has expired. My heart stops for a second, how am I possibly going to tell my wife I need a new system. I quickly consult my brother-in-law who tells me to look for the red lights of death loophole and they will extend my warranty. I scan the page three times, nope nothing, figures, screwed again, oh wait, there it is, click. Sure enough, your warranty is extended would you like to print your pre paid shipping label? No way, it's working, I'm starting to see a glimmer of light. Yes I would like my label, then click here, OK, click, and the printer starts printing. Now with my shipping label they remind me to make sure no games are in the machine, duh, and just remove my hard drive before shipping. I KNEW IT!! Remove my hard drive, I didn't go to ITT technical institute, come on. I look over the console and start pulling and pushing, looking for somewhere to put a screwdriver, or hammer or something. One small button, I keep pressing it and nothing. Figures!! So close, yet so far away. Then I twist and the hard drive pops right off, just like I thought, perfect.

Now all I have to do is pack it in a box, drop it at a UPS, and wait 14-21 days. Bunco is in 18 days, if I don't have it back by then, Homer, I'm calling your ass.