What do you do in the winter?

When I tell people that I am in the landscape industry usually their first question is what do you do in the winter. This always seems somewhat accusatory to me as if they are saying, "That sure sounds like a fun hobby." I will not bore you with what actually happens to landscapers in the winter let's just suffice it to say there are a lot of things to do that usually involve sub-zero temperatures and the dark while everyone else is snuggled up in their cozy beds. I digress.

Today brought about one of those things I not only do in the winter but just about every week around this house. Coincidence that this happened in the winter. Our dryer had slowly been failing for us and eventually we needed to do something about it. We would run a cycle only to find our clothes in a musty semi-dry semi-stagnant state. We would run it again and nothing changed. It crossed my mind to tear it apart to solve this problem, or I also suggested we just get a new one, so gen-x, give me instant gratification. Fortunately my wife's cooler head prevailed, again, knowing full well I could tear it apart but the putting it back together in working condition might be asking a little much. She also told me if we get a new dryer we have to get a new washer so they match, in the closet, where no one can see them, behind the doors. Stalemate.

We decide to call the local appliance store to see if we can get an easy fix. They are very cordial, and say a technician will be out in a couple days. Perfect. In a couple days the technician shows up and sure enough, the 'housing' is jammed with lint, throw on a new 'glide' we need and Shazam, fixed. Not bad, 45 minutes and $98.00 dollars later, good as new or so Victor says. My wife runs a cycle through and sure enough, nothing has changed. Freakin' Victor. We try a couple more loads and still crappy. Now I am a little disgruntled, my wife is very disgruntled, so something has to give. I call said appliance store and tell them the story, fortunately Victor is standing there to confirm my story, and they ask if they want me to have him come back out. At $75.00 an hour, hell no. I will take a look at the problem myself.

Being a man of average appliance intelligence I figure I will start with that coiled up dryer pipe behind the dryer, you know, the one that looks like a big slinky. I pull out the dryer and disconnect both ends of the slinky. I peer through both ends of said slinky and notice a small amount of lint, it's nowhere near the haul Victor pulled out of the housing but I decide it can't hurt to vacuum it out anyway. I also pick up sixty-seven cents, a lego light sabre, a sheriff's badge, and two nerf darts.

Being a man of average appliance intelligence I figure it must be the pipe that runs to the outside. I remember seeing the vent halfway up the side of the house since our dryer is on the second floor and am reminded that there is certainly no reason that this should be easy. I climb over the patio furniture being stored on the side of the house and eventually get on top of our six foot privacy fence. Did I mention it has started to snow and is eleven degrees? I am lucky in the fact that the fence puts me at the right height to work on the vent, but it also puts me at the right height to fall onto my air conditioner and break my neck. It could go either way at this point.

I notice the flap on the vent is not closed all the way and the vent is not straight anymore. Hmmm, curious. I look under the flap and see that the vent is stuffed with mulch, straw, and bird feathers. Are you kidding me? I feed them and give them water and this is how the s.o.b's repay me? I now try to twist the vent off so I can clean out this den of destruction. Easier said then done. I twist and pull and cuss losing my balance for a moment, then doing a Michael Jackson dance move I save myself. I go into King Kong mode and pull and twist harder to no avail.

I will not be beaten by a bunch of Finches!! I climb back down off the fence, through the patio furniture and over the hose rack. I go inside and call said appliance store. I tell Charlie what I have found and he chuckles and says he has seen it before. Great Charlie can you tell me how to remedy this situation instead of playing one upsmanship on me. He says there is no real science to it, you have to stick something in there and stir it around, sometimes a golf club works. Now I'm starting to like Charlie, a golf club, right tool for the right job.

I decide a ladder would also be useful so I go in the garage get out the sixteen foot extension ladder and after some great deliberation select a Tommy Armour 845 nine iron, it just feels right. I get the ladder set up somewhat stable, pull on my gloves, pick up my nine iron, and charge into battle. I am relentless, brutal, and unforgiving. I stir the nine iron around like I'm casting a spell of enormous magnitude. The nest is loose. I reach in and pull out a handful of mulch, straw, feathers, and half a Safeway bag, for real. Again I go all Harry Potter with my nine iron and pull out another handful littered with candy wrappers and mulch. Once more I set upon the nest like Tiger Woods from 160 yards, and finally pull out the last handful of trash.

I am victorious and delighted at this outcome. I put away the ladder and new nest plunging tool. I scamper inside to run a load of laundry through the dryer. Now I wait, 45 minutes later I check the clothes, they are so hot and dry I want to build a nest out of them and curl up, ironic huh?

Now you know what I do in the winter.