Wheat Disease

I was recently diagnosed with Celiac's Disease. I thought you all might enjoy exactly how this transpired. For those of you not keeping track, and shame on you if you aren't, I recently turned 45 and now fully understand and comprehend the nuances of a 'mid life crisis'. That's right, I'm suffering from a full blown doozie. (I'm talking about the crisis here) I will try to explain what goes through a victim's head and hopefully give you a glimpse into this terrible suffering. At some point, it's different for all of us in the brotherhood, you realize your hair isn't coming back, it takes 7-10 minutes to get out of bed, and you must get up at least twice to go the bathroom each night. I gradually understand that this is no longer a sexy resume'. I'm no longer getting sideways glances from anyone, not from younger girls, not from older girls, not from gay guys, and most certainly not from my wife. We all choose our own road here, there are different options available: new sports car, adventurous vacations, a mistress, maybe a new job, buying clothes you have no idea where to wear them at, etc. Some of these are dangerous to both life and marriage, some are a little more tame. I dipped my toe in the pool of pity and chose working out. I couldn't afford the car, don't have many close friends to adventure with, and I still love my wife. Rewind about eight months ago. I am listening to my favorite sports station on the radio and they keep advertising a new vitamin store. They get Bronco after Bronco to endorse this store, and I am intrigued. Let's face it, if I was 2.3 seconds faster in the 40, could bench an extra 270 pounds, and had better eye hand coordination there is not a lot of difference between me and the Denver Broncos. If they say it works it must, look at them for God's sake! I buy in, vitamins at first, then I decide to lift a little so I must need pre and post workout mixes and if I'm going to put on some muscle then I need a protein shake. The store makes you want to buy everything, I'm mesmerized. I know, good for me right? Give father time a swift kick in the crotch, back off dude. I continue my new found addiction through the new year. I am talking to a friend, yes, he is in the fraternity, and he brings up a mud race. Just what I need! I will prove to myself if no one else that I will not go quietly into the night! I sign up a couple months ago and start scouring Twitter for different workouts, I cannot look like an old codger. I start working out harder and this brings about a severe case of tennis elbow, I don't even play tennis. Sucks getting old. I actually make an appointment with the doctor, like old people do, because it really hurts. He tells me with a smirk, nothing you can do about it, take some Aleve, live with it you old fart. At this point I decide I better schedule a physical and get a blood panel done, after all, like most guys, I haven't been to the doctor in over 15 years. I do realize my 'advanced age' puts me at risk for my first rectal exam but decide to chance it, it would be far more degrading to be carried off the mud run course due to a coronary. I show up to my appointment with my game face on and am ready for any news. As it turns out I am not ready for the R E. This leaves me feeling violated and sad, especially as the doctor tells you to grab a tissue and clean your self up, you can put your clothes back on and he will be back in a minute. Sounds like a date gone wrong. I recover what's left of my dignity and get dressed and proceed over to the lab for the blood letting, at least I will be sitting down for this. The Dr's office calls me in a couple days and says my blood results are in and I should come in to talk to the doctor. Wait minute, why can't you tell me on the phone? It's going to be bad news I just know it. I show up and sit in the same room I was assaulted in a few days before and wait. He comes in very serious and says 'you have Anemia'. Thank God I think, that's all, low red blood cell count, no biggie. He stares at me and says your iron level is dangerously low. I'm sweating a little. It could be you are bleeding internally. I feel faint. He says it could be an ulcer, a polyp, or colon cancer. Things go out of focus a little bit. I am told very bluntly that I need a colonoscopy and an upper GI to find out the root of this evil. All I wanted to do was not die at the race and now this? F'n figures. He advises me a specialist for the procedure and makes an appointment a month later. I am discussing this with a family friend who is in the industry and he says come to our office, I can get you in earlier. Sure enough the next day I am seeing a specialist. He looks at the blood work tells me basically the same thing but also mentions he will look for Celiac Sprue when I am getting the procedure done. I'm thinking look for whatever you want just don't find anything bad. Two days later I am at the hospital at 6:30 a.m. getting prepped for my colonoscopy. My wife is with me and it's strange with the roles reversed, I have been by her side for 3 C-sections, and Apendectomy, and Thyroid removal. I am a rookie being on the bed. They strip me down, I put on the gown and get rolled into the procedure room. They tell me lay on your side, I'm thinking at least it's not bend over again. Then the oxygen is strapped on and they bring out the 'bite guard'. This a very disturbing piece of equipment, it's a piece of plastic with a hole in it that fits in your mouth and is strapped around your head like swimming goggles. I'm thinking no way I'm going under in a room full of strangers with my mouth forced open. As I begin to voice this opinion I wake up in the recovery room. Who knows what the hell just happened, I am missing about 45 minutes of my life and probably don't want to know. I am scheduled to see the specialist two days later for the findings and am told no ulcer, Amen! No Polyps, Amen! No cancer, Amen, Amen, Amen!! I have "unequivocal iron deficiency anemia caused by Celiac Sprue. What? Celiac disease, Amen! No more wheat and you will be better than ever. I'm thinking, alright, I get a ton of stuff done now, wait til I beat this thing! That's how I found out, sorry it's so long but you and I haven't chatted in awhile. Moral of the story, if you think you need to get checked, DO IT!! You may not know, but your body does!! Until then, hold the wheat, pasta, and pizza, bring me the Vodka.